not invited to the party

Have you ever wanted something so badly, yet you couldn’t quite put your finger on what it is? Is there a word for this nonsensical yet all-too-familiar (for me)   feeling? If there is, then I would write it out over and over and shove it where the sun don’t shine because I am so tired of feeling it.

I don’t know if it’s a shared emotion between creatives or if it’s some misfiring in my brain that sends me off into this deep feeling of want. I don’t know if it’s  selfishness manifested into its most poignant state. I have a feeling it’s a combination of these things.

One thing I do know – I am at a state in my life that is consumed by this main, heart-breaking feeling: more than anything, I want to find my career purpose. And I want to fall into a passionate love affair with it. I have read and been told so many mixed messages about finding one’s soul work – that we are here to do the thing we love and allow that thing to carry us, that it doesn’t exist so don’t even try, that you might as well just blah blah blah.

I’m not listening anymore. When I listen (even to my own mind manifesting strings of sentences that form themselves into words of advice) confusion starts to set in, small bouts of panic, and I feel sadness. I think I’ve found it, but no. Because no matter how hard I try at this one thing, I’m not allowed. I work, and it’s spit back out, as if there is some invisible boundary between my production and sustenance. Hell, even part-time sustenance.

It feels like the gods are angry with me and I’m not allowed into the party.

This post is whiny and sad, yes. Thanks for allowing me to indulge.

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